The death of a loved one can be devastating, but bear in mind bereavement affects people in different ways and there is no right or wrong way to feel. We might feel a lot of emotions all at once, powerful feelings that may come unexpectedly, like a wave, or feel we are having a good day, then wake up the next morning feeling worse again.There are different stages of bereavement  but we don’t necessarily transition in an orderly sequence from one stage to the next.  Grief might feel chaotic and even out of control at times, but these feelings do eventually become less intense as we start to feel more able to manage daily life.

Stages Of Grief

Accepting that your loss is real
Experiencing the pain of loss and grief
Adjusting to/learning to live without the person who has died
Starting to move on, to use less emotional energy on grieving and putting it into other things such as family, friends, interests,activities and socializing again.

Feelings Associated With Bereavement:

Shock and numbness, this is usually the first reaction to the death, things can seem  'surreal' 'slowed down' or you may feel 'dazed'.
Overwhelming sadness, feelings of loss with lots of crying
Empty, alone or isolated - feelings of abandonment
Tiredness or exhaustion and less able to concentrate
Fear about the future and how you will cope without the person who died
Anger, for example towards the person who died or their illness or questioning God
Resentful towards others who have not experienced such a loss, or who appear not to understand what you are going through.
Guilt about feeling angry, regretting something we said or didn’t say, or about not being able to stop our loved one dying.

Coping With Grief
The feelings of grief are all perfectly normal, it is ok to feel angry and to question why. Talking and sharing your feelings with a friend or family member can help, but if you don’t feel you can talk to them, contact local bereavement services such as a bereavement counsellor (here), or speak to your GP.  A bereavement counsellor can give you time and space to talk about your feelings, including talking about the person who has died and your relationship with them. You can go to a bereavement counsellor at any time, even if the person you lost died many years ago.

Don't become isolated or be afraid to talk about the person who has died. People in your life might not talk about the person you have lost because they don't want to upset you. Anniversaries and special occasions can be hard.  Planning whatever you need to do to get through the day will probably help. This might be taking a day off work, planting something in the garden, writing a poem, doing something that reminds you of that person, such as listening to a piece of music.

If You Need Help To Move On
Each bereavement is unique, and you can’t tell how long it will last. After time, you may not be constantly thinking about the death, and the person who died. This period may be shorter or longer for some people. The time to get help depends on the person, Seek help if these feelings last for a period that you feel is too long, or your family or friends say they’re worried. A bereavement counsellor can help if you feel that you're not coping. Some people also get support from a religious minister or G.P.

You Might Need Help If:

• you can’t get out of bed
• you neglect yourself or your family, for example you don't eat properly
• sleeplessness of excessive sleeping
• you feel you can’t go on without the person you’ve lost
• the emotion is so intense it’s affecting your life, for example you can’t face going to work or you’re taking your anger out on someone else

Pre-Bereavement Care
If someone has an incurable illness, they and their loved ones can prepare for bereavement. Practical things can help, such as discussing funeral arrangements together and making a will.
Bereavement counsellors also offer pre-bereavement care, helping clients and their family cope with their feelings. This can be especially important for children who need a lot of extra care and emotional support, before a loved one dies.

More Info
The Direct.gov website has information on what to do after a death, such as registering the death and planning a funeral.

See also useful links



Further Reading
Boydell,K. (2005) Death And How To Survive It: A unique, practical and uplifting guide to coming to terms with the loss of your partner. London. Vermilion.
Neeld, E.H.( 2003)  Seven Choices: Finding daylight after loss shatters your world. New York. Warner Books Inc.
Adams, R. (1999) When Parents Die: Learning to live with the loss of a parent. London. Routledge.