There are many kinds of abuse: physical, sexual, verbal, psychological, religious and racial. If you are, or think you are experiencing abuse of any kind, try to seek help as soon as possible. Counselling can help in some cases but if you are in acute distress, danger or crisis please contact an emergency service or contact the helpline below or see useful links

The following information has been provided with kind permission of Women's Aid:
"The following information is taken from the Women's Aid website,www.womensaid.org.uk, and is protected by copyright to Women's Aid Federation of England ((c) 2011 Women's Aid Federation of England)"

What Is Domestic Violence?
In Women's Aid's view domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour.

How Common Is Domestic Violence?
At least 1 in 4 women experience domestic violence in their lifetime and between 1 in 8 and 1 in 10 women experience it annually. Less than half of all incidents are reported to the police, but they still receive one domestic violence call every minute in the UK.

Who Are The Victims?
The vast majority of the victims of domestic violence are women and children, and women are also considerably more likely to experience repeated and severe forms of violence, and sexual abuse.  Women may experience domestic violence regardless of ethnicity, religion, class, age, sexuality, disability or lifestyle.  Domestic violence can also occur in a range of relationships including heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender relationships, and also within extended families.

What Are The Signs Of Domestic Violence?

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements
Isolation:monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives
Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public
Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children
Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation
Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling
Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again

The impact of emotional abuse may be even more devastating than physical assault - and have much longer term effects - yet most of the above behaviours are not crimes, and it's therefore much more difficult to obtain protection, or even to get others to take them seriously.

If you have children, you have probably tried to shield them from the domestic violence as much as you possibly can. Perhaps you are hoping they do not know it is happening. However, in the majority of families where there are children, and where abuse is being perpetrated, the children will be aware of this, and will often hear it or see it going on. According to the Department of Health, at least 750,000 children a year witness domestic violence. In some cases, the children themselves will suffer physical or sexual abuse from the same perpetrator.

Children can witness domestic violence in a variety of ways. For example, they may be in the same room and may get caught in the middle of an incident, perhaps in an effort to make the violence stop; they may be in another room but be able to hear the abuse or see their mother's physical injuries following an incident of violence; or they may be forced to take part in verbally abusing the victim. Children are completely dependent on the adults around them, and if they do not feel safe in their own homes, this can have many negative physical and emotional effects. All children witnessing domestic violence are being emotionally abused, and this is now recognised as 'significant harm' in recent legislation.

Children will react in different ways to being brought up in a home with a violent person. Age, race, sex, culture, stage of development, and individual personality will all have an effect on a child's responses. Most children, however, will be affected in some way by tension or by witnessing arguments, distressing behaviour or assaults - even if they do not always show this. They may feel that they are to blame, or - like you - they may feel angry, guilty, insecure, alone, frightened, powerless, or confused. They may have ambivalent feelings, both towards the abuser, and towards the non-abusing parent.

When Children Are Being Abused
Research has consistently shown that a high proportion of children living with domestic violence are themselves being abused - either physically or sexually - by the same perpetrator. Estimates vary from 30% to 66% depending upon the study. Nearly three-quarters of children on the 'at risk' register live in households where domestic violence is occurring.

Men who are abusive to women do not necessarily abuse children too, but some of them do. If you suspect that this is happening, or that it has happened, it is important that you raise this issue with your children and take steps to protect them, for example, by seeking advice from Women's Aid or another domestic violence organisation, or from social services or other agencies that are there to assist and protect children. Social workers will not take your children away if they can work with you to make sure they are safe.

If your child, or a child you know, tells you that he/she has been abused, your immediate response is very important:

Listen carefully and let your child tell you what happened in his/her own time
Reassure your child that he/she is not to blame for what happened (or is happening)
Let your child know he/she is very brave to tell you about it
Show your child that you are concerned for him/her
Try to stay calm and not let your child see how shocked you are

If your child is at risk of further abuse (for example, if you are still living with the perpetrator, or if your children have regular contact with him) then you will need to take steps to protect him/her from further harm. You may want to talk to your local Women's Aid organisation, or to the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge, to help you decide what you should do next.

How You Can Help Your Children
Some mothers and children use silence or denial to try to cope with the abuse. But most children appreciate an opportunity to acknowledge the violence and to talk about what they are feeling. Do talk to your children - and listen to them. Try to be honest about the situation, without frightening them. Reassure them that the violence is not their fault and that they are not responsible for adult behaviour. Explain to them that violence is wrong and that it does not solve problems. Remember, your children will naturally trust you - try not to break that trust by directly lying to them.

Encourage your children to talk about their wishes and feelings. You could do this perhaps by doing an activity together, or encouraging them to draw or write about what is happening and how they feel about it. Your child's teacher may be able to help you with this. Sometimes children will wait until they feel safe and are no longer in the violent environment before they start to talk about their feelings. You could suggest that your children look at the Women's Aid website for children and young people, The Hideout:www.thehideout.org.uk. This website has information, activities, a quiz and stories of children living with domestic violence.
You may believe it is best for your children if you try to keep the family together in order to provide the security of a home and father - despite the ongoing fear, and the emotional and physical abuse. However, children will feel more secure with one parent in a stable environment than with two parents when the environment is unstable and violent.

Is It A Crime?
Domestic violence may comprise a number of different behaviours and consequences, so there is no single criminal offence of “domestic violence”.  However, many forms of domestic violence are crimes – for example, harassment, assault, criminal damage, attempted murder, rape and false imprisonment.  Being assaulted, sexually abused, threatened or harassed by a partner or family member is just as much a crime as violence from a stranger, and often more dangerous.

Who Are The Abusers?
Abusers come from all walks of life. They can come from any ethnic group, religion, class or neighbourhood. They may be older or younger. However, whilst they may also be any gender, the majority of perpetrators are men.

Since abusers typically display different kinds of behaviours in public than they do in their private relationships, most people are not usually aware of domestic violence when it is happening in their community. Sometimes, it is difficult to believe that a person who behaves so respectably in public can behave so appallingly with their family. This can sometimes make it even more difficult for women who are trying to reach out for support, as they may feel that they will not be believed when they speak out about the violence.

If you are a man who is worried about your behaviour towards your partner, or if you have been abusive or violent, you can get information from the Respect Phoneline. Respect is the UK association of domestic violence perpetrator programmes and associated support services for women. Not every area in the UK has a perpetrator programme – the Phoneline can provide details of the one nearest to you.  Visit the Respect website for information about perpetrator programmes (Respect is a registered charity promoting best practice for domestic violence perpetrator programmes and associated support services in the UK).

Who Is Responsible For The Violence?
The abuser is responsible, and there is no excuse for domestic violence. The abuser has a choice to use violence, or instead they can choose  to behave non-violently, fostering a relationship built on trust, honesty, fairness and respect. The victim is never responsible for the abuser's behaviour.
'Blaming the victim' is something that abusers often do to make excuses for their behaviour. This is part of the pattern and is in itself abusive. Sometimes abusers convince their victims that they are to blame for the abuser's behaviour. Blaming his behaviour on someone or something else - the relationship, his childhood, ill health, alcohol or drug addiction - is an abuser's way of avoiding responsibility for his behaviour.
Children, similar to adult victims, will often feel responsible for the violence and it is important to let them know that the violence is not their fault.

Does Couple Counselling Help?
Couple counselling or mediation may sometimes be seen as a way of addressing the issue.  However, there are some significant problems with this type of approach.  Firstly, there is a risk to the woman’s safety: asking her to discuss the violence with the perpetrator present may lead to later reprisal.  Secondly, the approach itself assumes that the woman is in some way responsible or capable of altering the perpetrator’s behaviour.  Thirdly, it is unlikely to be successful, since the victim will feel unable to disclose her real feelings.  Women’s Aid therefore does not support the use of couple counselling or mediation in situations where domestic violence has occurred.

Why Doesn't She Leave?
Whilst the risk of staying may be very high, simply leaving the relationship does not guarantee that the violence will stop. In fact, the period during which a woman is planning or making her exit, is often the most dangerous time for her and her children.

Many women are frightened of the abuser, and with good reason. It's common for perpetrators to threaten to harm or even kill their partners or children if she leaves.
Reasons Why A Woman May Not Be Ready To Leave:

She may still care for her partner and hope that they will change (many women don't necessarily want to leave the relationship, they just want the violence to stop)
She may feel ashamed about what has happened or believe that it is her fault
She may be scared of the future (where she will go, what she will do for money, whether she will have to hide forever and what will happen to the children)
She may worry about money, and supporting herself and her children
She may feel too exhausted or unsure to make any decisions
She may be isolated from family or friends or be prevented from leaving the home or reaching out for help
She may not know where to go
She may have low self-esteem as a result of the abuse
She may believe that it is better to stay for the sake of the children (eg wanting a father for her children and/or wishing to prevent the stigma associated with being a single parent)

How Important Is Specialist Support When A Woman Tries To Leave?
Access to culturally specific or specialised support may also be an important consideration for women from BME communities, lesbians, disabled women, asylum seekers and women with an insecure immigration status. These women often face additional barriers to seeking help in the first place - such as physical barriers, language, poverty and discrimination. Specialised help and a range of mechanisms to make contact and receive support are available via Women's Aid and throughout the England-wide network of domestic violence services.

More Help
Women'sAid www.womensaid.org.uk 0808 2000 24 7 - Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run in partnership between Women's  Aid and Refuge.

Useful Links

Contact Us

Further Reading
Harne. L. & Radford. J. (2008)  Tackling Domestic Violence: Theories, Policies And Practice. England. Open University Press.
Sterne,.A & Poole. L. ( 2010 )  Domestic Violence And Children. Oxon. Routledge.
Abrahams. H. (2010 )Rebuilding Lives After Domestic Violence: Understanding Long Term Outcomes. London. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.